Whether you are attending SMX Advanced, SES New York, or any of the smaller “elite” conferences such as Elite Retreat or Blueglass, there is always that one guy who consistently pisses off anyone around him.  And yes, if you haven’t broken into the inner circle despite attending multiple conferences and attempting to schmooze with the popular kids of SEO, you just might be what we consider a conference douche.  Any one of these things can brand you as a douche, but it takes a very special kind of douchebag who does more than one.

You talk all about yourself

Sure, you might love to talk about yourself.  But chances are pretty good, we don’t want to hear your entire life story 5 minutes after you introduce yourself.  And if you manage to get ten minutes of an SEO industry experts’ attention, a much better use of that time is getting the expert to talk about themselves so you can pick their brain – not bore us with the appendix operation you had the same day as the Panda update.

You hit on ALL the ladies

Yes, us ladies talk.  And we talk about who the sleazy guys are.  So if you hit on someone yesterday and get shot down, then try the same thing with me the following day, well I probably already know she shot you down and my opinion of you dropped even further, especially since I know I was your second (or third, or fourth) choice.  See ya.

The wedding ring tan line

There are some guys who think nothing of leaving their wedding ring back in their shaving kit in the hotel room.  You think we don’t notice the ring mark or the tan line?  And we will definitely notice if you take it off when you come back from the washroom or the bar.  And sadly, this happens a lot more than you think – just start looking at the left ring finger on the guys you meet at the next conference you attend.

Look up please

Yes, my eyes are up here.  So what if my shirt is low cut?  Sure, take a quick glance, after all, you are probably a horn dog.  But if you expect to have any kind of conversation with me, have it with me, not with my boobs.

Look at me please

Okay, so maybe by boobs weren’t spectacular enough for me.  But if you are having a conversation about me, don’t constantly scan the room to see if there is someone more important you should ditch me for.  And especially don’t ogle the waitress taking drink orders – even if she is wearing a Hooters-worthy outfit.

Mr. Touchy Feely

I have had married men proposition me.  I have had drunk conference attendees make haphazard groping attempts at conference parties.  And some pretend their room are on the same floor as mine when we happen to leave for the elevators at the same time.  Just because your plan for the week away from wifey and kids is to get laid, doesn’t mean that fits into my plans for the week.  Well, unless you are Brad Pitt, then we’ll talk.

Mr. No Tipper

Thank you for offering to get me a drink.  But when you don’t tip the waiter, you look like a jerk.  And I will make you look like a bigger jerk when I pull out my wallet to leave the tip you didn’t.

Mr. Name Dropper

You know Matt Cutts personally?  You babysat Mark Zuckerberg?  So what.  Casually mentioning you know someone if his or her name comes up is one thing.  But if you think we will think you are more important simply because of your connections, you are mistaken.  Ours are probably better already.

Mr. Oblivious

If you are going to ask a question, make sure it isn’t something so basic we are secretly laughing at you for asking.  Get basic understanding before you ask “How can I get a higher PageRank?” or “how many blogs do I have to comment on to rank for my site?”

Gossip like a Highschool Girl

Sure, I enjoy gossip just as much as the next girl.  And yes, I will indulge in it with a handful of my close friends.  You are not my friend.  And just maybe that “gossip” you are sharing with me, thinking you can use it to gain my favor, is about someone I care about.  Bad move.

Mr. Inappropriate

I have had a conference attendee tell me an extremely graphic and racist joke at the conference bar, thinking they were being hilarious. (They were not).  Or just behave inappropriately – I have seen crotch grabbing as per Roseanne Barr, someone wanting to do body shots off a booth babe during a expo reception, and someone trying to upskirt photo shoot another booth babe.

So next time you are at a conference, think about how you treat the ladies you meet, because we will spill the beans with each other!

I am also curious what other experiences women have had at conferences.  Oh the stories I could tell if I was that kind of girl!