Airports And Their Bathrooms


In the last 3 years I have been all over the US averaging 15 trips per year and 30 different airports per year. Some are repeats but I think its safe to say I have been in 20 different airports in Major Cities. I always like to get to airports early not only for the sake of being early but also just so I can get some work done. Now my African American Express Card gets me into most of the exclusive clubs (red carpet, world perks etc..) But sometimes they are on the other side of the airport and I just use the regular public stalls.

In the stalls while passing the morning glory I will pull out my laptop fire up the EVDO and get after email and other things. Another thing I like to do is what until they start boarding “handicap and people who need extra time) then hit the can before jumping on the plane.

Here is my full report on bathrooms in major airports from my experiences in them:

  • Omaha Nebraska – I have been in this airport the most. I have never had one of those “OMG” moments where every stall in the rest room is not salvageable. Great place to drop some brown carrots and get some work done. They have nice hooks in the bathroom to hang your carry ons and/or backpack.
  • Las Vegas McCarran – I have been here quite a bit (7 times this year alone). McCarran is very hit and miss with security but usually dead on with there restrooms. They have large comfortable stalls that makes dancing with Duece Bigalog a pleasure. I have gotten a lot of work done in the Las Vegas airport.
  • New York City – Newark, JFK, Laguardia – I am not sure what it is with the NYC area but it seems like the urinals and toilets are just there for decor. People just piss wherever they want and its super disgusting. I can work with a pissy toilet seat if necessary but Christ, if there is piss all over the floor its just not going to happen. There is nothing worse then pulling your shorts up and feeling that wet feeling on the back of your legs that is someone else’s urine. Ya yummy =( Now thankfully they have a LOT of exclusive clubs you can use if you have the right credentials but if not forget about having a good experience in one of these stalls. Horrible place to launch a corn canoe.
  • Chicago – OHARE is my favorite airport to drop a duce in. They have these marry-go-round plastic covering that insures you will always have a pee free seat. They also have like 20 crappers in every bathroom so you can always be assured of getting some office space to work out of.
  • Miami – The worlds worst city to drive in also has some of the worst bathrooms. There is only like 4 stalls per bathroom and every experience I have had there felt like I should have been getting paid as a part time janitor.
  • Minneapolis Mn – Very nice bathoorms but not many stalls. I usually have to wait for a open stall in Minneapolis. Out of the 20+ times I have passed through this airport I have never had a bad experience in there. I am not sure if the janitors are on shifts or are alerted or if its just the people’s mentality but they are always very clean.
  • Denver – Denver is totally craptastic. Definitely not the place to negotiate the release of the chocolate hostages. I go through there quite a bit to catch connections and my experience has been pretty bad. EVEN THE BABY CHANGING TABLES ARE DISGUSTING! I think its more neglect then anything. Its always super smelly in the bathrooms in the Denver airport restrooms like a dead body is rotting.
  • Orlando Airport – If for what ever reason I found myself like tom hanks in “the terminal” and had to live in a airport I hope happens in Orlando. The airport is supernice and the bathrooms are very large and have lots of hooks to hang your bags on while you drop the kids off at the pool. The toilets are very comfy and everyone I have ever been in has a nice hand railing to rest your hand while you type.
  • Atlanta – The Atlanta airport in my experience has been really hit and miss. “its been the best of times its been the worst of times” isnt that a quote from somewhere? Anyway the A-T-L airport is hit and miss for downloading some brownware
  • San Jose – Nice clean airport with nice bathrooms but they are somewhat scarce. Usually the bathrooms are a far distance from the gate which makes one of my favorite things to do (hit the can when they call for handicap people to bored) not possible =(

Some techniques when all else fales:

You can use the protective shield thing also known as a ass gaskett.

You can use the hover technique in the handicap stall. Basically you just balance your weight and hover above the pot not letting your skin touch the nastyness below.