**THIS IS A SHOEMONEY SPECIAL REPORT**
In the last 3 years I have been all over the US averaging 15 trips per year and 30 different airports per year. Some are repeats but I think its safe to say I have been in 20 different airports in Major Cities. I always like to get to airports early not only for the sake of being early but also just so I can get some work done. Now my African American Express Card gets me into most of the exclusive clubs (red carpet, world perks etc..) But sometimes they are on the other side of the airport and I just use the regular public stalls.
In the stalls while passing the morning glory I will pull out my laptop fire up the EVDO and get after email and other things. Another thing I like to do is what until they start boarding “handicap and people who need extra time) then hit the can before jumping on the plane.
Here is my full report on bathrooms in major airports from my experiences in them:
Omaha Nebraska – I have been in this airport the most. I have never had one of those “OMG” moments where every stall in the rest room is not salvageable. Great place to drop some brown carrots and get some work done. They have nice hooks in the bathroom to hang your carry ons and/or backpack.
Las Vegas McCarran – I have been here quite a bit (7 times this year alone). McCarran is very hit and miss with security but usually dead on with there restrooms. They have large comfortable stalls that makes dancing with Duece Bigalog a pleasure. I have gotten a lot of work done in the Las Vegas airport.
New York City – Newark, JFK, Laguardia – I am not sure what it is with the NYC area but it seems like the urinals and toilets are just there for decor. People just piss wherever they want and its super disgusting. I can work with a pissy toilet seat if necessary but Christ, if there is piss all over the floor its just not going to happen. There is nothing worse then pulling your shorts up and feeling that wet feeling on the back of your legs that is someone else’s urine. Ya yummy =( Now thankfully they have a LOT of exclusive clubs you can use if you have the right credentials but if not forget about having a good experience in one of these stalls. Horrible place to launch a corn canoe.
Chicago – OHARE is my favorite airport to drop a duce in. They have these marry-go-round plastic covering that insures you will always have a pee free seat. They also have like 20 crappers in every bathroom so you can always be assured of getting some office space to work out of.
Miami - The worlds worst city to drive in also has some of the worst bathrooms. There is only like 4 stalls per bathroom and every experience I have had there felt like I should have been getting paid as a part time janitor.
Minneapolis Mn – Very nice bathoorms but not many stalls. I usually have to wait for a open stall in Minneapolis. Out of the 20+ times I have passed through this airport I have never had a bad experience in there. I am not sure if the janitors are on shifts or are alerted or if its just the people’s mentality but they are always very clean.
Denver – Denver is totally craptastic. Definitely not the place to negotiate the release of the chocolate hostages. I go through there quite a bit to catch connections and my experience has been pretty bad. EVEN THE BABY CHANGING TABLES ARE DISGUSTING! I think its more neglect then anything. Its always super smelly in the bathrooms in the Denver airport restrooms like a dead body is rotting.
Orlando Airport – If for what ever reason I found myself like tom hanks in “the terminal” and had to live in a airport I hope happens in Orlando. The airport is supernice and the bathrooms are very large and have lots of hooks to hang your bags on while you drop the kids off at the pool. The toilets are very comfy and everyone I have ever been in has a nice hand railing to rest your hand while you type.
Atlanta – The Atlanta airport in my experience has been really hit and miss. “its been the best of times its been the worst of times” isnt that a quote from somewhere? Anyway the A-T-L airport is hit and miss for downloading some brownware
San Jose – Nice clean airport with nice bathrooms but they are somewhat scarce. Usually the bathrooms are a far distance from the gate which makes one of my favorite things to do (hit the can when they call for handicap people to bored) not possible =(
Some techniques when all else fales:
You can use the protective shield thing also known as a ass gaskett.
You can use the hover technique in the handicap stall. Basically you just balance your weight and hover above the pot not letting your skin touch the nastyness below.
About the author...
Jeremy Schoemaker – who has written 2412 posts on ShoeMoney.com.
Hi I am Jeremy Schoemaker and ShoeMoney.com is my blog. 99% of the post here are done by me but you will see others occasionally make guest posts. This blog is fun to write but for my day job I run several online companies.
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{ 92 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for this report Shoe!
I’ll have to make mental notes for when I’m planning my next trip. One of your funniest posts to date.
Did you get hacked or is this a guest post?
Oh the life of the rich to have the free time pursue creative pursuits like writing…
They say that you have to go through Atlanta to get anywhere else including Hell. Atl might be the last place on earth you take a dump.
Lambert in STL has super clean bathrooms and not many people use them. =) Also, the airport right outside of Cancun, Mexico has really nice stalls.
Lol, love the reviews. Glad to see ohare ranks well
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Lol, best thing I’ve read on the ‘net today. Dugg!
I’m just wondering why this article gets the digg widget and not others. How do you decide which one get’s digg and which do not. Is there strategy behind this tactic or what?
Thanks, Corey
dugg by the way…
I have to agree about O’hare and the cool toilet wrappers. It’s not the same at Midway, Chicago’s other airport.
“Chicago – OHARE is my favorite airport to drop a duce in.” – classic
Lol.. I was expecting to read: I have gotten a lot of work done in the Las Vegas
airportwashroom :pInteresting article tho, not many other people in the world who can write one like it!
Great Diggbait Shoe and highly entertaining. I wonder if you compiled a list of amusing euphemisms for defecating before you began?
Hey, what about the airport in Moline, IN? According to the Hall of Fame at bestrestroom.com (not just for airports), the bathrooms in MLI were rated 5th best for the 2006 version of their contest.
And the winner in 2005 was the Fort Smith Regional Airport, which looks way better than any airport bathroom I’ve seen.
dude, who drops their pants/shorts all the way to the floor when they’re dropping the kids off at the pool? gaross
I’d rather just crap on the plane, and look at all my fellow passengers faces of disgust when I hop out and the viscous scent fills their nasal cavity.
PS. in before Shitmoney.com
There is some important brown news in there.
Why was George Costanza’s idea of doors that go right to the floor never implemented?
that’s funny as shit…the nicest airport I ever layed a butt pickle was the one at Nagasaki, Japan. On the back of the stall door was a control panel to shoot water at various angles, and also buttons for ass perfume..
Digg Bait?
you had me spitting coke all over my macbook at “brown carrots”
I think that is the most poop euphemisms I’ve ever heard!! Funny, but kind of gross too.
Good hell. LLOLOL. At least I am not the only one who “Works on the laptop” in “My office!.” My wife thinks i am weird. Maybe I will tell her to read this post!
You had me visualize the whole report in my head.
I’ve been in about 10 airports but never used the bathrooms for anything else than taking a leak.
I never would have thought of airport bathrooms as digg linkbait. Thats why you are the man!
Used the ass gasket a number of times.
Dugg!
Its a plugin that detects when you’ve had a post dug. Once it does then it displays the digg count in the post.
You can get it here.
aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha brown carrots, i’ve never heard that term before
‘cos this is the biggest load of digg bait I’ve ever seen… the 14 year olds will lap it up.
Wow that is sooo funny. Not that I really fly, but it reminds me of a friend of mine that has IBS and has to use a lot of public bathrooms lol. I couldnt imagine having to use public toilets that often id freak.
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease people, STOP using the handicap toilets unless you use a wheelchair or mobility impairment. I use a wheelchair and really had to go to the restroom once in STL’s airport. I was so mad to see almost every single handicap place taken, none by those who really needed (one guys was actually dancing inside).
Shoe, please don’t encourage this behavior, you have no idea what is to need the restroom, circle the entire airport and find nothing.
Nice, well definitely keep in mind.
Hopefully in the future I’ll get to defecate in places around the world, for right now its just O’Hare
LMAO I think that was probably the most euphemisms for taking a dump I’ve seen in one place. A classic!
You’ve just made my day, Shoe!
Yeah, I definitely wasn’t expecting that!
I agree with the Orlando airport distinction. I was there last year and it was very clean, and I loved the free Wifi!
Well, apart from the grammer mistakes and excess of craptastic euphemisms, very interesting reviews.
BTW “it was the best of times….” is from Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities.
DFW airport has the cleanest biggest units, there cleaned/checked like every 5->10min
Dude, you are absolutely insane! I’d rather have my large intestine pop than take a dump in an airport.
However, on a drunken night a decade ago, I did take a dump in a booth at Krystal’s just for the fun of it…….
YES like fourteen old – LOL – Was that a woman who stated such?
Danilo – go back and read it more carefully SIR – Gate announcement re: handicap boarding call nothing to do with handicap stalls! Sorry to hear about the dancer!
Hmm…I’ve never heard dropping the kids off at the pool, it was always dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool…that was pointless
Yea, at first I didn’t think about that but now that I do I realize that this definitely has good digg potential.
David… I could not agree more. There were times where I had to re-read a paragraph just to get the gist. Fortunately for the author, the article is still an interesting read.
My mobility is pretty impaired if I have a load in my pants.
Holy Digg overload. Congrats on making the Digg front page man!
I have to say that my iPhone improved my brown life a lot
Fortunately for the author, this is mostly a marketing blog so who cares about euphemisms or grammar errors.
Hah! My day would not have been complete with-out this enlightening post. I doubt I shall ever forget the “negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages” line.
Although I have not had to “drop a deuce” at this particular airport, Charlotte, NC is a horrible airport to have a quick “wee.” Nothing but a long trough, where you literally are standing shoulder to shoulder with other travellers. Gimme a urinal with dividers any day!
This is great. Although I almost never go #2 in airports, it may be good info for later, or for someone who does. Afterall, I don’t go to airports to crap, I go to fly. I don’t want to hang around any longer than I need.
Anxiously awaiting your urinal reviews as to who provides the urinal mints, mats, tall or short. Or in Munich, Germany they even have mini soccer balls in nets that change color when you’ve forced out a good long piss!
Exactly what I was thinking…
I always thought ShoeMoney was professional but now……not so much……
ha, this post made my day
never been laughing out loud that much in the office, even my boss wondered what was going on…. 
))
Side note to self… Hitting the digg homepage brings in a lot of RSS subscribers… doesn’t it shoe!?
Haha… Fantastic post – “negotiate the release of the chocolate hostages”. Without a doubt the best Shoemoney line. Ever.
I commented that to my girlfriend and she laughed for about half an hour.
I’ve been in the Orlando Airport at least half a dozen times. I worked for FEMA and commuted between Orlando and Seattle Washington every 5 weeks. The restrooms are not particularly clean, the airport is far from nice, in fact is is like everything else in Florida, totally dysfunctional.
BTW – I think your article is ridiculous.
I’ll bet you don’t allow this post.
Yeah, who in the world has time to write posts like this?
Your review about JFK,LGA, and Newark bathrooms are right on the shoemoney. Might as well be in India. These people don’t care either, great example of what our country is gonna look like in 50 years if we don’t stop the flow from these 4th world hell-hole countries.
Dude you are a true marketer, You wrote about shit and ppl enjoyed reading about and so many comments.
Your are a creative genius….
Vijay
Hahhha thats the reason you did not have the balls to leave a link….
Hahhha thats the reason you did not have the balls to leave a link…Jack …
He knows what he’s doing
Minneapolis has a good airport. Whenever I travel I generally have the best experience when I’m either a) entering or b) leaving this airport.
Fort Lauderdale was awful.
I remember my one and only trip to and from Atlanta back in the 90′s. I vowed never to return, lol.
Whats wrong with the post! Its kinda funny
Haha…Great report. This is always info that can be put to good use!
LOL…Would you happ to have a review for DC airports..as i will be leavng for a trip in sept!
you thought wrong!
I wrote this in 20 mins while being delayed at the chicago ohara airport. Maybe you need to be more efficient
I never knew there can be so many ways to say number 2
*LOL* way to keep your blog real man!
this post was kind of off the wall but interesting.
no kidding!
I tried to leave but have been stuck in traffic since 1997
LOL! I thought this was hilarious!
But that was truly hilarious!
I thought the corn canoe was great! But it’s Friday and I’m already into bathroom humor today, I do Fart Around Friday on my blog, todays’ post being quite literal.
What’s wrong with getting creative and thinking like you’re 10. I bet this ends up one of the top posts
.
i can’t really say great post… and that i enjoy reading about you dropping bombs… but you hit the nail on the head about these airports and Miami being the worst city to drive through… ATL is great, Chicago is better…
So you shouldn’t have to wait in line like the rest of us?
Wow Shoe you’ve left your mark in quite a few airports lol
I almost lost my breakfast.
This is freakin hilarious. I cant believe the variations. The last thing I expected to find on this blog, but hey, crappers are like meals. Cant do without em.
Someone should start a ‘worlds worst dunny’ site.
Thanks for the laugh Shoe.
this post travelers lot
i am just wondering how did u find time to review the bathrooms
Seriously glad I ate before I read this.
I was just traveling this weekend, and thought of this post every time I was in the airport!
McCarran (usually there a half a dozen times a year on business) also has very nice FREE WiFi access – in the baggage terminal for sure, but probably in the toilet. I have T-Mobile and FreedomLink for the rest. I have a list on my blog of free WiFi airport locations which is quite handy. See it here: http://marketingme.blogspot.com/2007/03/internet-access-on-road.html
you know to much for your own good
Ugh, I hate the auto ass gaskets in O’Hare. I’m always paranoid that they just rotate the same two over and over again…
Ha ha ha. “Chicago – OHARE is my favorite airport to drop a duce in.” You are killing me. Too funny.
you want to hear of a real crime, try taking a look at the bay area high school bathtooms, they are all totally nasty and these are highschoolers that have to suffer(:.
Thanks for all your efforts that you have put in this. very interesting info .
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