Airports And Their Bathrooms

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In the last 3 years I have been all over the US averaging 15 trips per year and 30 different airports per year. Some are repeats but I think its safe to say I have been in 20 different airports in Major Cities. I always like to get to airports early not only for the sake of being early but also just so I can get some work done. Now my African American Express Card gets me into most of the exclusive clubs (red carpet, world perks etc..) But sometimes they are on the other side of the airport and I just use the regular public stalls.

In the stalls while passing the morning glory I will pull out my laptop fire up the EVDO and get after email and other things. Another thing I like to do is what until they start boarding “handicap and people who need extra time) then hit the can before jumping on the plane.

Here is my full report on bathrooms in major airports from my experiences in them:

  • Omaha Nebraska – I have been in this airport the most. I have never had one of those “OMG” moments where every stall in the rest room is not salvageable. Great place to drop some brown carrots and get some work done. They have nice hooks in the bathroom to hang your carry ons and/or backpack.
  • Las Vegas McCarran – I have been here quite a bit (7 times this year alone). McCarran is very hit and miss with security but usually dead on with there restrooms. They have large comfortable stalls that makes dancing with Duece Bigalog a pleasure. I have gotten a lot of work done in the Las Vegas airport.
  • New York City – Newark, JFK, Laguardia – I am not sure what it is with the NYC area but it seems like the urinals and toilets are just there for decor. People just piss wherever they want and its super disgusting. I can work with a pissy toilet seat if necessary but Christ, if there is piss all over the floor its just not going to happen. There is nothing worse then pulling your shorts up and feeling that wet feeling on the back of your legs that is someone else’s urine. Ya yummy =( Now thankfully they have a LOT of exclusive clubs you can use if you have the right credentials but if not forget about having a good experience in one of these stalls. Horrible place to launch a corn canoe.
  • Chicago – OHARE is my favorite airport to drop a duce in. They have these marry-go-round plastic covering that insures you will always have a pee free seat. They also have like 20 crappers in every bathroom so you can always be assured of getting some office space to work out of.
  • Miami – The worlds worst city to drive in also has some of the worst bathrooms. There is only like 4 stalls per bathroom and every experience I have had there felt like I should have been getting paid as a part time janitor.
  • Minneapolis Mn – Very nice bathoorms but not many stalls. I usually have to wait for a open stall in Minneapolis. Out of the 20+ times I have passed through this airport I have never had a bad experience in there. I am not sure if the janitors are on shifts or are alerted or if its just the people’s mentality but they are always very clean.
  • Denver – Denver is totally craptastic. Definitely not the place to negotiate the release of the chocolate hostages. I go through there quite a bit to catch connections and my experience has been pretty bad. EVEN THE BABY CHANGING TABLES ARE DISGUSTING! I think its more neglect then anything. Its always super smelly in the bathrooms in the Denver airport restrooms like a dead body is rotting.
  • Orlando Airport – If for what ever reason I found myself like tom hanks in “the terminal” and had to live in a airport I hope happens in Orlando. The airport is supernice and the bathrooms are very large and have lots of hooks to hang your bags on while you drop the kids off at the pool. The toilets are very comfy and everyone I have ever been in has a nice hand railing to rest your hand while you type.
  • Atlanta – The Atlanta airport in my experience has been really hit and miss. “its been the best of times its been the worst of times” isnt that a quote from somewhere? Anyway the A-T-L airport is hit and miss for downloading some brownware
  • San Jose – Nice clean airport with nice bathrooms but they are somewhat scarce. Usually the bathrooms are a far distance from the gate which makes one of my favorite things to do (hit the can when they call for handicap people to bored) not possible =(

Some techniques when all else fales:

You can use the protective shield thing also known as a ass gaskett.

You can use the hover technique in the handicap stall. Basically you just balance your weight and hover above the pot not letting your skin touch the nastyness below.

102 thoughts on “Airports And Their Bathrooms

  1. Gecko Tales

    Oh the life of the rich to have the free time pursue creative pursuits like writing…
    They say that you have to go through Atlanta to get anywhere else including Hell. Atl might be the last place on earth you take a dump.

  2. Paul.

    Lambert in STL has super clean bathrooms and not many people use them. =) Also, the airport right outside of Cancun, Mexico has really nice stalls.

  3. eTown Landlord

    I’m just wondering why this article gets the digg widget and not others. How do you decide which one get’s digg and which do not. Is there strategy behind this tactic or what?

    Thanks, Corey

  4. Grivon

    Lol.. I was expecting to read: I have gotten a lot of work done in the Las Vegas airport washroom :p

    Interesting article tho, not many other people in the world who can write one like it!

  5. ghoti

    Hey, what about the airport in Moline, IN? According to the Hall of Fame at (not just for airports), the bathrooms in MLI were rated 5th best for the 2006 version of their contest. 😀 And the winner in 2005 was the Fort Smith Regional Airport, which looks way better than any airport bathroom I’ve seen.

  6. al

    dude, who drops their pants/shorts all the way to the floor when they’re dropping the kids off at the pool? gaross

  7. andrew

    I’d rather just crap on the plane, and look at all my fellow passengers faces of disgust when I hop out and the viscous scent fills their nasal cavity.

  8. buono

    There is some important brown news in there.

    Why was George Costanza’s idea of doors that go right to the floor never implemented?

  9. Brent

    that’s funny as shit…the nicest airport I ever layed a butt pickle was the one at Nagasaki, Japan. On the back of the stall door was a control panel to shoot water at various angles, and also buttons for ass perfume..

  10. Jayson

    Good hell. LLOLOL. At least I am not the only one who “Works on the laptop” in “My office!.” My wife thinks i am weird. Maybe I will tell her to read this post!

  11. Viral Electronics

    Wow that is sooo funny. Not that I really fly, but it reminds me of a friend of mine that has IBS and has to use a lot of public bathrooms lol. I couldnt imagine having to use public toilets that often id freak.

  12. Danilo

    Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease people, STOP using the handicap toilets unless you use a wheelchair or mobility impairment. I use a wheelchair and really had to go to the restroom once in STL’s airport. I was so mad to see almost every single handicap place taken, none by those who really needed (one guys was actually dancing inside).

    Shoe, please don’t encourage this behavior, you have no idea what is to need the restroom, circle the entire airport and find nothing.

  13. Stavanger

    Nice, well definitely keep in mind.

    Hopefully in the future I’ll get to defecate in places around the world, for right now its just O’Hare 😀

  14. David

    Well, apart from the grammer mistakes and excess of craptastic euphemisms, very interesting reviews.

    BTW “it was the best of times….” is from Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities.

  15. Dvd Wholesale Directory

    Dude, you are absolutely insane! I’d rather have my large intestine pop than take a dump in an airport.

    However, on a drunken night a decade ago, I did take a dump in a booth at Krystal’s just for the fun of it…….

  16. choohoo

    YES like fourteen old – LOL – Was that a woman who stated such?
    Danilo – go back and read it more carefully SIR – Gate announcement re: handicap boarding call nothing to do with handicap stalls! Sorry to hear about the dancer!

  17. Anonymous

    Hmm…I’ve never heard dropping the kids off at the pool, it was always dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool…that was pointless

  18. Jason Dwiet

    David… I could not agree more. There were times where I had to re-read a paragraph just to get the gist. Fortunately for the author, the article is still an interesting read.

  19. logofu

    Hah! My day would not have been complete with-out this enlightening post. I doubt I shall ever forget the “negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages” line.

  20. Mike H

    Although I have not had to “drop a deuce” at this particular airport, Charlotte, NC is a horrible airport to have a quick “wee.” Nothing but a long trough, where you literally are standing shoulder to shoulder with other travellers. Gimme a urinal with dividers any day!

  21. Pat

    This is great. Although I almost never go #2 in airports, it may be good info for later, or for someone who does. Afterall, I don’t go to airports to crap, I go to fly. I don’t want to hang around any longer than I need.

  22. Judson Skoog-Smith

    Anxiously awaiting your urinal reviews as to who provides the urinal mints, mats, tall or short. Or in Munich, Germany they even have mini soccer balls in nets that change color when you’ve forced out a good long piss!

  23. Kyle Smale

    I’ve been in the Orlando Airport at least half a dozen times. I worked for FEMA and commuted between Orlando and Seattle Washington every 5 weeks. The restrooms are not particularly clean, the airport is far from nice, in fact is is like everything else in Florida, totally dysfunctional.

    BTW – I think your article is ridiculous.

    I’ll bet you don’t allow this post.

  24. Jack

    Your review about JFK,LGA, and Newark bathrooms are right on the shoemoney. Might as well be in India. These people don’t care either, great example of what our country is gonna look like in 50 years if we don’t stop the flow from these 4th world hell-hole countries.

  25. Paul Bradish

    Minneapolis has a good airport. Whenever I travel I generally have the best experience when I’m either a) entering or b) leaving this airport.

    Fort Lauderdale was awful.

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  28. Sabrina's Money Matters

    I thought the corn canoe was great! But it’s Friday and I’m already into bathroom humor today, I do Fart Around Friday on my blog, todays’ post being quite literal.

    What’s wrong with getting creative and thinking like you’re 10. I bet this ends up one of the top posts :).

  29. JerkyBeef

    i can’t really say great post… and that i enjoy reading about you dropping bombs… but you hit the nail on the head about these airports and Miami being the worst city to drive through… ATL is great, Chicago is better…

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  32. John Loch

    This is freakin hilarious. I cant believe the variations. The last thing I expected to find on this blog, but hey, crappers are like meals. Cant do without em.

    Someone should start a ‘worlds worst dunny’ site.

    Thanks for the laugh Shoe. :)

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  34. TeeCeo

    you want to hear of a real crime, try taking a look at the bay area high school bathtooms, they are all totally nasty and these are highschoolers that have to suffer(:.

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